I Miss My Brain

I mean that...not in the “I“m loosing my mind” sense, but in the sense that what exists in my skull seems to be a former shell of what used to be. I really didn’t believe those that told me that you forget how to have a conversation with an adult when you have a baby. Now I am proof. I’m a statistic in the worst way.
Grabbing onto the Facebook and MySpace wave has put me in touch with some of my past and it’s put me into a very nostalgic mood. Just talking to Kelly makes me remember what nerdy little kids we were. In our elementary years, we would actually sit together for hours trying to write a book about our lives and our experiences. We tried our hand at designing our own line of clothing. The point is: we wrote, we drew, we dreamed, we read, we thought big. Those things stuck with me through high school. I have a poetry book that I wrote. I have shelves of books that I read (though I’ve sold many of them now on Amazon to help put gas in my car). I have artwork and memories of artwork that I created. In college, I could write about ANYTHING and I was good at it and it was easy for me. I would have long conversations about life, love, religion, friendship for hours on end. I could open up.
Now...where is that person? I bought a sketch journal a few weeks ago with the intention of reconnecting with my brain. I glued in a few pictures and quotes from a magazine and there it is on the shelf. I haven’t painted anything in almost a year. I’m not sure I remember how. I don’t REALLY talk to anyone anymore...the bearing-your-soul kind of talking, that is. When I try, it feels a little stretched. I was a darn good teacher. I reveled in the creativity that it allowed me. I did that every day for 8 years. I’m not sure I can do those things anymore. I have Love in the Time of Cholera on my nightstand. It’s been there since Christmas. I’m still in the first chapter. “WHO IS THIS PERSON?” I can read an adult level book. I swear it.
So now the challenge: to find what got in the way and to find where I went. I don’t blame Carter or feel any resentment towards him, but I know that taking care of an infant leaves no time for much else. I can’t just sit on the couch for hours reading. I can’t immerse myself in painting for a day. In my free time, I have to do things like: take a shower, eat a meal, wash clothes, clean the house. Those aren’t choices. I guess my answer is simple: I’ll do what I have to do and when I have time to do other things, I’ll do them and I’ll try to do them well. I need that for me.
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Sorry for the overall negative entry. This is where I’m at today.