I'm Outta Here

I just saw Sarah's new blog on Word Press and LOVE it.  You can password protect entries that may be a little touchy.  It will bring over everything from Blogger, nothing is lost.  And, it's really pretty over there.  You can follow me if you like:  www.mindofmandi.wordpress.com

Dealing with Anger

I am attempting not to filter my emotions on something that's tough for me to think about, much less talk about.  My Mother.  

I can separate feelings about her totally.  On the one hand, I am a mother and I know how completely tough and exhausting it can be.  She had 3 children, so her job was even tougher.  She was a fantastic mother.  She stayed home until we were in middle school and did everything for us.  She read to us, played outside with us, took us places, sewed our clothes, cooked cool things--and I have great childhood memories because of it.  

But, there's another part of me that's always a little angry at her.  You see, my Dad is one of my best friends.  We've always had that sort of relationship, with only a few small breaks here and there because of my stupidity with boys.  I look up to my Dad in everything and I think he is such a good man.  He would do anything to help anyone and he loves his 3 children more than anything.  My grandmother says, "Your Daddy, now he was a fool for you kids."  You have to hear that in her deep southern drawl and hear the genuine emotion in those words to get it, but it's true nonetheless.  My mother is not a very affectionate person.  She's never talked about why, but I suspect it has a lot to do with her relationship with her father.  From what I know about him, he was not so nice and didn't have much to do with his kids.  It seems he felt that they were mostly good for working.  Like I said, I don't know what happened or what made her crawl up into herself the way she has, but she's there.  She's been like this for a long time.  My father is always trying to please her and love her, but she's very resistant.  I've watched him hurt from this my entire life, but I know that there's nothing I, as a daughter, can do to fix that for him.  So, hurting my father is one thing that I've always held against her and been pretty angry about.

Now, I'm grown and I have a family of my own, but I do live on the acre of land right next to them.  So, we're still very involved in each other lives.  Thankfully they aren't the kind of parents who want to pry into your life.  They're really very cool to live next to.  But, living next to them I know some things that I might not otherwise know if I lived across town.  I'm pretty sure my Mom is an alcoholic and that really bothers me.  She NEVER drank in front of me when I was younger and I'm really not sure she drank at all.  But, sometime while I was in high school or maybe college, my parents joined a tennis and fitness club and met some richy friends.  It started off pretty slowly from what I've noticed.  She would have a beer after tennis or a drink or 2 if they all went out together.  Then, they got really tight with about 5 couples.  They hang out a lot and take at least one cruise together each year.  Well, these folks really drink heavily.  My mom started that as well when they would go out.  Then, it moved to drinking at home.  At first, there would be a bottle of wine or 2 at the house and she'd have a glass with dinner.  Now, years later, she can drink an entire bottle of wine and think nothing of it.  And, she fixes herself a mixed drink nearly as soon as she comes home.  Last night they invited us for dinner and I'm sure she had 4 vodka cranberries in the 2 hours that I was there.  And my Dad tells me that she really doesn't care what she drinks because she's just drinking to get drunk.

I'm worried about her.  Part of me wants to cry about it and part of me wants to smack her and tell her to WAKE up and realize what she's doing to herself.  I know she's taking years off of her life.  And then there's the issue of Carter.  Right now he's pretty oblivious, but soon he's going to realize what's going on and he'll realize that she acts different sometimes.  She does not take well to anyone telling her what to do or how to live her life, so confronting her about it seems like a way only to divide us from each other.  But there is going to be a point when I have to tell her that I don't want her to drink (and especially be drunk!) in front of my child.  How will I deal with that?  She's acting like such a child and I just won't have her influencing my son that way.  His relationship with her is so sweet and it hurts me to think that she may choose alcohol over him.  

Gratitude

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

              --Thornton Wilder

I don't know if everyone is like this, but each day I have a different level of motivation and a different mood.  Some days I wake up ready to face the world and interact with my life.  But, then there are others when I'm more apt to lay in bed and sulk about things in my life that aren't going my way.  And it's true, there are a number of things about my life right now that are not ideal and that I would change if I could.  It's just sad that it's easier to write when those things are beating down hard on me.  When life is tough, I want to just GET IT OUT; but when it's good, I want to keep it in.  I'm really not an eternal pessimist, it's just easier to complain that it is to praise in writing.

Today is going to be different.  Today I want to think on those things that I hold as treasures in heart.  I want to share some of the beauties in my life.  Most of them are small, but it's the small things that matter most.

• a small hand touching mine
• my "hug of the day" when Jeff comes home
• listening
• having family close enough to walk to
• this house and the story behind it
• paint and colors
• red leaves
• the dimples in both my boy's cheeks
• making it
• taking time away from my career to do things that matter to me
• pillows
• peppermint mocha
• technology and the fun in figuring it out
• words
• emotions
• lavender baby lotion
• first steps
• being needed
• down comforter and a cold room
• bare feet
• memories
• crisp air
• the smells of each season
• being good at a lot of different things
• being thanked for doing them
• my church
• my job--which happens to be at my church
• friends that call and call again when I don't call them back
• the honesty of children
• great books
• freedom
• baby talk
• food and always learning new ways to make it
• Christmas
• a glass of wine
• the high feeling  you get after exercising
• baby soft skin
• giggling and remembering how to be silly
• reusable shopping bags and compact florescent bulbs
• a fire in the fireplace
• blue-eyes, sky, water, my kitchen
• being able to type instead of talk

Why Do I Bother?

So far my husband, Jeff, hasn't read this blog.  He knows I have one.  I'm sure he's aware of the link to it that is always present on my link bar in Safari.  I just don't really think he cares to venture that far into "The Mind of Mandi".  :)   In light of the fact that Jeff will likely never read this and that there really aren't that many people who even look at my ramblings, I feel like this is a safe place to VENT for a few minutes.  I can't really vent to my friends about any marital frustrations because it's looked down upon.  This seems like a fairly private outlet.  

Here's the issue:  Once each week, usually on Saturday, I make the effort to plan something that we do as a family.  I always make it cheap and I try to make it something that has some potential for fun and memory-making with our beautiful son.  But Jeff doesn't really do special days, or special occasions for that matter, very well at all.  I think it's a difference in the way we were raised.  I can agree that these activities can sometimes require some effort and sometimes they don't go perfect.  However, it seems as far as attitudes are concerned, Jeff often takes the low road and it makes me want to SCREAM.  I am trying my best to make a fun day and it gets POOPED on with negativity.

Today is a prime example.  I planned an apple picking trip to Skytop Orchard in Flat Rock, NC.  Keep in mind that neither of us have ever been here, so I don't know any more than he does as far as what to do or what to expect.  We arrive and this place is gorgeous!  A huge orchard with about 30 types of apples right on the top of a mountain.  Our first decision was wether or not to take the stroller.  I thought it would be nice for Carter to walk around and use his new skills, so we don't take the stroller.  We get past the place where you pick up your baskets for picking and we can see that the terrain is VERY hilly and very huge.  Carter can't walk up and down the hills, so one of us has to carry his 24 pounds at all times.  I agree that it's kind of a drag, but we can do it.  Then, we get out into the trees and realize that we've come a little late in the season and most of the apples to be had are HIGH up in the trees.  So, Jeff has to go back to get this long stick with a wire attachment on the end that will fetch the apples from up high.  He also grabs a wagon to put our baskets on.  The wagon ends up being heavy and tough to drag up and down the steep heels.  And, the brake doesn't work on ours so you pretty much have to hang onto it at all times to keep it from rolling down the hills.  By this point, I can tell by the look on his face that he's ready to leave before we really get started.  I'm trying to be ultra positive to make up for things. 

Picture this:  there are rows and rows of apple trees stretching over hills.  There are signs at the beginning of each row telling what variety is in that row.  So, once you get back into a row, you have to go back to the beginning to find another type and some of the types are picked out.  I went onto their website and had some idea of the picked out ones, but I certainly had not memorized the list.  Apparently I should have and I should have known where they were all located at the orchard.  Jeff got frustrated that I didn't know this information.  When I tried to point at the rows where I thought we should go, he got frustrated because I POINTED WRONG.  I mean, c'mon now.  Pointing wrong? At this point you're just picking on me.

 We ended up picking 3 different kinds of apples that we'd talked about getting and then leaving before our baskets were full.  We paid for our apples and we got some caramel covered apple slices and some cider.  When we sat down at the picnic table, the yellow jackets were very attracted to our food.  There were three swimming in my cider and 1 on my caramel.  Jeff had had enough and we just threw the stuff in the trash and left.

I felt so let down.  This big trip that we've had planned for weeks turned into more work than anything.  Yes, it was tough, but I think it's possible to make the best of a bad situation.  

We get back in the car and Jeff acts completely fine, but my mood was pretty much shot.  All I could think was, "Why do I bother?"

The Anticipatory Smile

That's just one of the great things that Carter has learned in the past month or so.  He knows when something funny is coming his way and he gets ready for it.  And, he has another one, too, but I don't know the technical name for it.  Not only does he know when something funny is about to happen, but he knows when he is being funny.  If he's making a great sound or silly expression, he laughs about it almost as if he's encouraging you to laugh with him.  I love that.  He went from just laying looking cute (not too long ago, it seems) to a little boy who craves interaction.  

Also, last week he just TOOK OFF.  I mean that.  My grandparents were over after they had gone to church on a Wednesday night visiting and it seemed like he wanted to show off for them.  He was pulling out toys and doing silly little things to make my grandmother laugh and all off a sudden, he walked very quickly across the room to me.  I was pretty shocked.  He could take 4 steps and I'd even seen him take 7 steps, but walking across the room was not yet possible until that moment.  It was pretty magical for me.  Even though he looks like an old, drunk man walking and swinging his arms, it's still a beautiful site.  Since then he really hasn't stopped.  He can get everywhere and into everything and FAST.  Before I can get one disaster cleaned up, there he goes off to another room to create another one.  We have started spending a lot of time out of the house.  I really don't want his days to be filled with constant "No's", so I have to take him to places where there can be some freedom.  Too bad the weather is getting cool because the parks are about to be out of the picture.

I love how much he's learning and growing.  I'm just ready for some WORDS now.  In 1 month and 6 days I take Carter for his 15 month check-up.  At 12 months he wasn't really saying what I would call words.  Dr. Parker says that she wants 6 words by 15 months.  That's a lot of pressure.  I'm wondering what she's gonna do if he still isn't saying much of anything.  Will I get a "Bad Mom" label to put on my forehead?  I swear I do all that I can think of for his language development.  And, as a teacher, that's a lot.  So, I wait.  I wait and I wait and I wait for the first word.  My little guy has a great understanding vocabulary--he points to everything and wants me to tell him what it is.  And, if I ask him what things are or where they are, he can find them and point.  I guess he's just not ready to spit them out yet.  In the meantime, I'm polling every mom I come in contact with.  When did your child start talking?  There's such a wide range that I almost can't believe the doctor is worried because it seems pretty normal for boys to wait longer than girls to speak out the words they know.  I'll keep you informed.

Political Confusion

I don't know who to vote for.  I do realize that there are only 19 little days between right now and Election Day.  It's at times like these that I wish that I were someone who votes straight Democrat or Republican--but I'm not.  I always vote for the person.  The problem this go around is that I don't really want either of these candidates running the country that I love so much.  I'm also taking things much more serious now that I have a child.  Is one of these goobers going to further screw up the US to the point that I'll be scared and guilty about having my son grow up in such a place?  It's not all that unlikely.  Just look at what the current administration has done!

I've tried to be very responsible and research what these two stand for, but none of their "talking points" are reaching out to grab me.  It seems like everyone has that "hot button" issue that is a deal maker or breaker for them.  For example, my husband is an insurance agent so health care issues and economic plans helped him decide.  For some it's abortion.  For others it's immigration or the War in Iraq.  I just have a very hard time thinking of any issue as black or white, so here I am--sitting right in the gray area on most everything.  I mean, take abortion.  Yes, I personally believe that it is WRONG and that there are certainly methods that are sick, sad and terrible.  But even Jesus Christ gives us free will, even though it could mean that some will spend eternity separated from Him.  So, who am I to say that it's ok to take a woman's will away when it comes to her decision on an abortion?  I pray she'll make the right decision, but should I or anyone else FORCE her by law to make that decision.  

Further dilemma: I flat out don't trust Obama.  He has a sneaky face and I don't think he's much of a gentleman.  But, I'm not sure McCain has the balls to run this country.  He's seems meek to me.  There are so many issues he should be throwing in Obama's face, but he's so polite that he just shakes his head and moves on.  

What to do?  Some have suggested that simply vote for someone else, but I refuse to cast a vote that essentially won't count.

19 days and counting to MY Decision 08.

The Strength of Women

It's always been said that women are the fairer sex. And, sure we are -- to some degree.  Not many of us get into manual labor, heavy lifting and contact sports.  But, the internal strength that so many of my women friends have shown in the past week amazes me.  

The role of a mother is one of the most glorious and one of the most difficult.  Having a child is like taking the risk of having your heart live outside your body for the rest of your life.  A risk because loving something that much can often be painful.  Each time your child is hurt, crying, upset, frustrated, angry, sad you want so badly to make it all go away, but that's not always possible and each time you have to face these emotions with your child it rips at you on the inside a little more each time.  How each mother handles it is different: sometimes there is guilt, sometimes a sense of failure, sometimes there is just the knowledge that some pain has to enter into everyone's life.  But we all have to handle it.

And you say, but you GET to be a mother.  You're right.  It's a gift.  Every day there are glorious wonders that come from being around my child.  

The tasks of a mother aren't usually that difficult.  Changing a diaper.  Not that hard.  Giving a bottle.  Not that hard.  Bathing and dressing.  Not that hard.  Reading a story.  Singing a song.  Cooking a meal.  Cleaning the house.  Not that hard.  But, think about it.  To do all those things and more all day, every day, with a positive attitude and a smile can sometimes...get to you.  You begin to think:  "What about me?"  "What about my interests?"  "When do I get time to relax?"  And that is the tough part about being a mother because the answer is that ultimately, those things are put on hold.  You have to sit back and watch a part of yourself slip away.  Congrats to those of you that have been able to hold on to the old you and to those of you who aren't bothered by this at all.  So many women I know have sacrificed who they are and where they were going to raise a child.  We do it willingly and knowingly.  I'm not saying that any of us were forced or are angry about it.  Some days it can just...get to you.  It's tough to see the importance of the love and attention and influences that are given to our children each day through our sacrifice--through our being here.  I know that someday it will matter that I gave up my career to stay at home and be a full-time mother to my son.  I know that he is becoming someone better for it.  I don't regret my decision.

On those days when being on duty for 24 hours a day starts to chip away at the smile and positive attitude, we start to yearn and crave a piece of time that we could escape. Time when no one is expecting anything and no one is demanding anything of our time. We talk about these cravings and feel guilty.  Actually guilty for wanting to help ourselves.  So, we're strong and we push it away and we keep going.  We want to feel important, but we push those needs aside.  We want to feel appreciated, but we push it aside.  We want to remember what made us fun and interesting, but we push it aside.  We want to use our talents, but we push it aside.  How long can it be pushed aside before there's some explosion--a point where you scream and throw your hands into the air and give up.  I have a dear friend who is so close to that point.  To look at her you'd never know it.  She's a pro at putting on a smile and playing happy, but it's getting old for her.  I really don't know what to do for her.  She's so guilt-ridden for even feeling the way.  But, she's facing this and she's finding her way out of it.  She is so strong.  Somehow we've all got to realize that taking care of ourselves helps us to better care for our children.

I have another friend who is faced with possibly losing one of her children in a custody battle.  It's killing her inside.  The thoughts of not seeing him grow and not being the one to help him grow are almost crippling her.  But, every day she gets out of bed and she loves on both her children.  She doesn't expose them to the pain she's feeling inside.  She is so strong.

Yet another friend lost a great job very suddenly.  She took the high road and saw it as an opportunity to explore other outlets for her talent.  Sure, she was worried and scared for a while, but she stays positive each day.  She is so strong.  

I am very lucky to be surrounded by such strong women.